Being Mindful ©

This word, mindful, was only recently infused in to my conscious and subconscious minds, through a dear friend who is also one of my brothers-in-law.
Even on an airplane, we are instructed to place our mask on first before attempting to help others and this is best as we don’t want to succumb to whatever is robbing us of air and other sustenance, so that we can be available to help others.
For too many years I placed everyone’s needs above my own, not meaning to neglect my own health and well-being, but to be sure that everyone else was taken care of and I don’t think I’m much different in that realm.
Unfortunately, there is another truth, one which is not as easy to understand. I was programmed to believe that his needs were first and foremost above mine and if he wasn’t happy, then no one would be.
Everyone, including the pastor and his wife had me convinced of what a “good wife” was and that if I did everything as my husband wished, then all would be well with God.
There were times when I thought, “I’m a good person, why is everyone trying to change me?” However I didn’t dare voice that concern to anyone.
After my children were born, I began realizing that I could not be everything to everyone. Most days I was exhausted and not because the children were difficult. On the contrary, they were some of the best babies; always sleeping through the night and only fussing or crying when they had needs. I often found myself telling other mothers that I wasn’t an experienced mom mostly because they were never sickly children and they were easy to care for.
When the children were still babies, we were thrust in to a world, that I had no idea, would become yet another way for him to control me. He began working in a career field that required us to “be careful or mindful” as to where we went and who we associated with and he used these “company rules” to the hilt. Not only did I become fearful of people, but even in the grocery store, I was careful not to even look at others as I believed that they would know who I am and who I was married to. It was truly awful. After a few years, I chose to relax and “according to at least one person” I became rebellious.
In the mid 90’s one of my brothers was arrested, tried and convicted of a crime that placed him in prison for 15 to life. It broke my heart as we were very close and although I always knew he had an anger problem, I never thought he would ever commit a crime of this nature.
Just the fact that he was my brother and now in prison, this too became an issue that was used against me as though I were the criminal. I had no one to talk to, without much judgement and so I began journaling my thoughts. It was truly a great way to escape.
I had already begun homeschooling my children and so I would try to reserve their bedtime as “my time”. This worked out well as he worked the graveyard shift and I didn’t have to be bothered by him.

2 thoughts on “Being Mindful ©

  1. I love the title. Thank you for sharing that “being mindful” of others because of a career field led you to “being mindful” and journal for yourself. Such a great way to process thoughts.


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